Birth Day Tribute

I totally give you credit if you are still with me! That last post was really long and pretty emotionally heavy. So lets see if I can now make you cry happy tears with me...

The day before I was admitted to the hospital (October 9th) I woke up and had a small little “leakage” problem when I got out of bed. I got a little like, “Whoa what was that?” but after getting up nothing else happened. I had some light cramping and I debated whether or not I should stay home and rest being that I was so close to my due date and if something happened (see how that fear followed me?) but I decided to keep leaning on my faith that everything would be just fine and continue on with my day. My day being a whole laundry list of work tasks to complete. Now anyone who knows the work "me" knows that I do.not.mess.around. I was bound and determined to work up to my due date and had a very specific to do list to complete before the 14th rolled around. So off to work I went. I was heading up to one of my schools in Green Bay and thought if I went into labor at least I'd be really close to Baycare and my husband could just meet me there. The rest of that morning was uneventful and knocked a bunch  off of my to do list. I returned to my office and went to the bathroom and experienced another small little leak. I figured I better call my OB and see what he thought-I told them what was going on and they said I probably should come in to be evaluated.  Having just gotten back from Green Bay I didn't really want to head back up there (at almost 40 weeks pregnant you don't want to do a damn thing) so they told me to go lay down and if I experienced anymore "leaking" that I probably should come back to be seen. I did what I was told (I'm a role model patient) and once again nothing else happened. My husband and I went and enjoyed what I now like to refer to as "The Last Dinner" with some friends that evening and then we debated whether or not to go see Gone Girl at the theater-but I figured we could do that over the weekend instead. We got home and went to bed and when I awoke the next morning (October 10th) I experienced even more leakage. And this time it was a little bigger leak than before. Since this was a Friday I figured I better (once again for the 1024320th time during the last 2 years) call my OB. The nurse kinda laughed and said, "You really want to come in don't you?" I told her I felt it was for the best since it was going to be the weekend and I rather go the safe than sorry route. Her knowing my paranoia agreed and they made me an appointment for a little later that morning. I told my husband that I didn't need him to come with me because it was probably not time since chances were I was overreacting. He told me he was coming and asked if I should grab our bags. I said no that we would be back home...AKA the start of my denial. 

We arrive to the hospital and I see a familiar sweet face. An acquaintance (that shall remain unnamed) that we know who is currently going through med school. We exchanged hellos and she filled us in on her current rotation as well as the doctor she was working with that day. My doctor. I get roomed they ask me if it's alright if a med student comes in for the exam. I figured what the hell-I'm due to give birth any day and from what I hear you lose any and all dignity so I might as well just start the process now. Doctor and unnamed acquaintance comes in and my doctor does a pelvic exam and then pulls out some little pH strip that I think he bought at the pool store and when I see it-it magically turned a different color. He says, "Well your water has broken." Um what? Excuse me? "And it's probably been broken since yesterday when you experienced your first leaking issue but then your baby's head probably moved down and created a seal which is why you're only experiencing the leaking after you get out of bed. (Seeing Nico's big melon I now understand). So we are going to send you over to labor and delivery now. Me-"For what?" Doctor-"To have your baby." Laughter ensued. Amused laughter from my doctor and our unnamed acquaintance and 100% nervous laughter from Stefano and I. 

 
We made the phone calls saying it was time. I swear we heard members of our family all running to their vehicles for their journey on I-43 but we told them to take a chill pill that it would probably be a bit yet. I was going to be admitted and the nurses hooked me up and got the pitocin going which I didn't want but since I had ruptured membranes for already over 24 hours (and already at risk for infection because of this) they wanted to keep the baby safe by speeding up the process. That's all they had to say and I was like hook me up and crank that stuff uppppp. The doctor came back and told me that the baby was very low that this should all happen pretty quick and that he probably would be back in a few hours to deliver the baby. I then found myself connected to multiple monitors that were saying that I was already having contractions. What? No I'm not. I don't feel a thing. This continued on for hours-me supposedly having contractions but not feeling anything and them thinking I'm some sort of freak of nature. They turned up the pitocin in hopes I'd dilate faster than I was. They kept checking me but not much progression. My doctor came in at the end of his shift surprised they hadn't called him over and told me that even though it wasn't his weekend to be on call he really wanted to stay with me to have my baby (seriously after all we've been through over the last couple years we are tight) but his own child whom he hadn't seen in two years was flying home and he had to pick him up. I forgave him knowing he would have been true to his word on being with me. He checked me one last time and guessed the baby would arrive before midnight and wished us luck saying that he'd be thinking of us all. The on call doctor comes in to introduce himself but couldn't figure out how I was getting so much pitocin but had no progression so they decide to do some type of internal monitoring to measure my contractions. It being internal meaning that is needs to get up past my cervix (yay to birth and details right?) which also means that if there is some secondary bag delaying my progression that by doing this procedure it would "pop" it-which would help put me into more advanced labor. We do the procedure that in case your wondering was not pleasant at all with still no progress. They decide they may have stimulated my uterus with the pitocin too quickly and now it wasn't doing the job it should be doing. So they pull me off the pitocin and let my uterus rest for a bit. I decided to go in the bath and do the whole hip rotation relaxation technique. Well wouldn't you know that between those two actions I started some contractions I could feel. Woe-wee did things start getting real. Just here and there type contractions but enough to make me forget about everything and say some random swear words and hate my husband for a second. All while he was looking slightly terrified and unsure of what to do.

By this time it's approaching midnight and they come in to check me again. No progress. The nurse tells me if I want to do an epidural now is the time since the anesthesiologist is in the next room and it would be best that I catch him before he goes to bed. An epidural wasn't part of my "plan" but nothing up to now went as planned so why should it be any different at this point? I figured if I did the epidural and since I was no where near where I needed to be I would at least be able to get some rest during the night and then come morning we could figure out what was going on. Plus having to wake up a sleeping anesthesiologist to put a sharp needle in my back? Um no. Here comes mister anesthesiologist that seems to be in a not so good mood already (Excuse me nurse, can we get someone maybe a little more chipper to stick this needle in my back please?) Mr. Moody got the job done and I was resting very comfortably. I had the best nurse (on request since the day nurse had looked at my previous history and knew I deserved a nurse that would make my experience extra positive) that night. After the epidural she came in and sat down and I questioned her how long they were going to let me labor for. She asked me if I really wanted to know. I of course said yes. She told me then that come morning she was betting they would c-section me. She asked if that scared me. Having been through a multitude of other surgeries in my life I was completely fine with that. Actually I think I preferred it. The whole giving birth the natural way (even that's the way I always envisioned it) actually was a bit more intimidating and scarier to me than another scar. The husband and I had a pretty great night of sleep (while no one in our family did as they were of course on pins and needles). The next morning the doctor came and they checked me again and I was still only at 3 centimeters dilated. Off to c-section I went since by now I had rupture membranes for too long. It was pretty laid back and relaxed so it wasn't as scary and intimating as I'd imagine an emergency c-section to be. Before I went in I asked the nurse how long it would take from once they cut me to get the baby out and I would hear it cry. That's all I cared about. Not if the baby was a boy or a girl. But that he or she was just breathing and well. She told me within seconds I'd hear crying that the whole process leading up to the c-section is what takes the longest. Once they made the incision I reminded them that we didn't know what we were having. The anesthesiologist said well your husband is going to tell you right now and pulled him up by the arm to see the baby. What did my husband say? "It's got big balls!!!!" Of course everyone in the room was in a fit of laughter. Steve started crying and then I heard our baby cry. 2 years of worry and heartache finally washed away by the most glorious and beautiful cry I had ever heard. Everything was real in that moment. I finally had a baby here with me. They brought him over to the warmer to quickly examine him and do all their nursey stuff and my husband didn't know where to go. He asked if he should stay by me or go by the baby. I told him to go by the baby and as soon as our new baby heard his dad's voice he stopped crying and just stared at him. Somehow I managed with my tied down arms to pull back the drape to see this all unfold. It was unreal. This is what we had been waiting so long for. This.exact.moment. We didn't get any pictures during this time but I don't care or have any regrets about that. It's so perfectly etched in my mind that there is no need for pictures. There is no way a picture could capture all of the beauty and perfectness of those first moments with our son.

Little did I know that before I went in for the C-section that our family had already arrived despite my strict instruction for them not to come till early afternoon since I'd be in recovery and that whole process can take some time. We barely got back to the room and everyone started coming in. I couldn't blame them or be mad. They had waited so long for this moment too. The best part was we had yet to tell anyone if we had a boy or girl. But really I don't think they cared. We were all just so joyful. I once again felt that same exact joy of when we had announced our first pregnancy to them all. 

This is the first family picture that was taken later that day. I think it captures all our gratefulness and amazement pretty well. 

To the outside world I was finally a mom. But in my heart I knew I was a mom since the start of our journey. The reason I knew this is because I had a dream about my baby shortly after my first miscarriage. In my dream I gave birth and I was holding my baby (another boy) in my arms and he smiled at me. In that moment I felt a mother's love for her child. I woke up and I knew that dream was given to me to find solace and it did just that. Yes, my baby died before we knew for sure who they were but I really believe that the Lord gave me a little glimpse into Heaven and a lot of peace. After my 2nd loss something else that really helped me through is that I felt God was aware how important my siblings are to me and because of that my angel babies at least have each other until the day we all reunite. Some words that I also found continual comfort in were….

"I grieve the loss, but I know that they will never have fear or pain. Not subject to the faults and frailties of human parenting, they thrive in the love of the Perfect Father. He cares for them and holds them. They will never know earth’s peculiarities, but neither will they know the pain of isolation and loneliness. Instead, they experience things far beyond our imagination in a place continually filled with joy and music. My arms long to hold these babies. My heart longs for them. As King David said of his baby who died, they cannot come to me but I shall go to them (2 Samuel 12:23)."

I feel by sharing this journey with you all is that it gives my two babies that came before Nico a little more tribute and purpose to their short lives. Also, that it's OK to grieve and that it is OK to be sad. I appreciate others being vocal and not being ashamed of their own pregnancy loss. I appreciate and find a little ironic that October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I appreciate that there are images of mother's with their "Rainbow Babies" going viral. And I'm happy that I now too have my own Rainbow Baby that may give someone some inspiration to keep the faith as well. 

No Photoshop Here Folks. This is Real Life.

Isn't that beautiful and amazing? This past year has been nothing short of beautiful and amazing. The first few months I could do nothing but just stare and be in complete awe of my baby. In fact I still am. Now you all know why I'm so obsessed with Nicoló and maybe will be able to forgive me for posting one too many pictures of him. Maybe my blogs up to this point and past this point will be seen in a new light. Maybe now you see me in a new light. I know over these last few years I have changed. It all has made me more compassionate, it's brought my husband and I closer (shared pain can do that if you decide not to let it do the opposite), it confirmed how much I wanted a baby, it showed me how fragile life is, and it's made tough days within motherhood easy to bear. When you bear such pain to have a child it makes this mom stuff not so hard. Hard for me was everything that came before Nico. I’m so blessed I have someone waking me up in the middle of the night. I’m so blessed I have a baby to hold in my arms. Because of these realizations I wouldn't turn back time and I wouldn’t have wished for another fate. I have proved to myself that I can rise up and overcome whatever life throws at me and that I’m a warrior. And that when bad things happen, God is still good. That when there are hard times in life it only makes the good times that much sweeter. I am just so very thankful.

You know what hasn't changed though? The fact that I still cry all the time. I cry out of gratefulness. I cry out of pure joy and a heart full of overwhelming love. I have trusted God through my grief, and I am currently rejoicing with Him in my gladness. God has taken those empty places in my heart and filled them so full of love that my heart feels like it is continuously overflowing. 

So if you’ve been wondering why I have the sweetest and easiest baby ever- I like to think that God felt I deserved a baby just like Nico for putting me through the ringer! :) But I hope also for being a testament to His ultimate plan and keeping the faith in His goodness. 

I hope by sharing my story- I maybe have given even one person a bit of hope. Friends-there is hope after miscarriage. There is hope after death. There is hope after devastation. There is hope when the prayer isn't being answered. My prayers for you is that you know that there is hope in times like this as well. Just keep believing.

Our Christmas Card Last Year-Could Be A Cover Page For "Belief"

Thank you to those of you who took the time to read this and joined me in my heartache as well as in my joy. And most of all a big thank you to my family and friends who continued to love me through my darkest days. I love and appreciate you all more then I could every put into words. And now it's time to celebrate my Nico's birthday and the journey we've taken to get here.

XO. 

JLOVE AKA "Mommy"